Bigsley the Oaf (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bigsleytheoaf) wrote,@ 2008-05-26 21:06:00 |
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Nonlinear Time
This post is going to be about my working situation in my Japanese IT company and, more specifically, how contorted and twisted my logic has become with respect to my beliefs regarding my performance in that capacity.
Time Time Time
Is it possible that asking me to work for 8 hours will actually yield less benefit/progress total than could otherwise be derived from my labor?
I tend to think so. My work is primarily intellectual - meaning that it does not even involve a task as mundane as typing at a computer. It consists mostly of research, taking notes, and writing documentation. I write extremely quickly, so the time required to actually create (type) the documents pales massively in comparison to the time required to prepare myself mentally to write them.
I Wish
I really do think that I would be more effective if I were asked to work for 5 hours a day. I could come in at 12, eat lunch with the usuals, have a 15 minute meeting with boss & coworkers to orient myself, and blast away for 5 hours - done by 6 Pee-EMM motherfuckers! Seriously, how could I not be motivated with a schedule like that?
The Dirge
Contrast this with my current schedule. I get to work by 10:30, clock in, open my work email/gmail, read news/reddit/ycombinator for 1 hour, at which point my co-worker comes in. We have a 10 minute meeting which ends at like 11:30. I eat lunch at 12, so I can't really justify working in that little 30 minute wedge - I usually just read more news or sit quietly at my desk with my eyes closed. I eat lunch until like 1:30 (I try to draw it out as long as I can because I dread the 6-7 hour crush that follows). At this point, some guilt starts to set in (I've been at work for almost 3 hours and haven't really done anything), so I start working. I start feeling really bad, read reddit, dopamine rush, ahhh. Etc. I do a little work every once in a while, but spend most of my time reading random shit. Usually I decide on a topic of interest - last Friday I studied Jungian/Freudian/Lacanian psychology (I'm very interested in archetype-based theories). Anyway! The point is that I don't really do much work per se.
Motivation and Nonlinear Standards
Motivations AGAINST Work
Now the question is, of course, why do I waste so much time at work? Why can't I just work for 8 hours? Well, this is where shit (meaning my reasoning) starts to get really fucked up.
First of all, I resent the idea that I am required to be at work for 9 hours a day (8 hours + 1 hour for lunch). It's such a pain in the ass. There are so many times where I don't have anything to do, so I just sit around waiting until I reach that nice equilibrium which occurs when my fear (of getting caught leaving early) is annulled by my desire to get the fuck out. Besides this, it's fucking humiliating/dehumanizing/demeaning, really. What am I, a child? I can't take care of my own time? Give me deadlines and standards - I'll take care of my own time thank you very fucking much, mommy.
Second of all, have you ever programmed for 8 hours straight? It's a pain in the ass. I get headaches. The working conditions are such shit (I've talked about this before - the keyboard is stiff, fluorescent lights, too warm, etc.) and I have no one to talk to - nothing but the thrill of thinking about where that unidentifiable hum is coming from to break the tear-jerking monotony. Seriously.
Third, I get no benefit from working harder. My boss is completely oblivious. Sometimes I don't work for 2 days straight - I make microscopic progress - and he doesn't notice. The standards are equivalently unresponsive in the other direction, too; if I work hard, make lots of progress, I get a "good job, thanks for your work." Yippee!
Fourth, I resent the idea of creating software for a multi-national corporation. Anything that I do will be owned by this corporation. Owned by someone other than me. This means that I'm giving money/power to a gross corporate perversion while simultaneously depriving myself of power.
Fifth, I am motivated by guilt in the exact opposite direction that it points. It's weird, but it's true. I don't know if other people are like this. If I feel like I should email you then I will not. If I feel like I should pay my loans then I will not. Usually these sorts of things get taken care of on a last-possible-second basis.
Sixth, the actual content of my work is such fucking shit that it makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm coding a Silverlight 2 app. Note that Silverlight 2 is not fucking documented. Have you ever coded with an undocumented SDK? You get your first vague error and you basically feel like you want to kill someone. Not to mention the fact that this shit was made my Micro-cock-for-brains-soft. Oh, I see, I have to use the Silverlight Project WorkSpace Creation Wizard - if I use the Silverlight Project WebStartup Creation Wizard then it won't be compliant with .NET 3.5 web service bindings. Why? Oh, because the crossdomain.xml file will not be found in the LKDSGASIGF:OIUDSAG:LKHSVDB:KMNGD:LKJ SHUT THE FUCK UP FUCK YOU MICROSOFT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.[1]
Motivations FOR Work
It's weird. I notice that I actually feel a lot better when I accomplish more during the day. When I finally do have some nice, well-defined design/programming work to do, shit I can really sink my teeth into, the day passes in a blur of mental activity. Grief, guilt, headaches - these become mere memories. Look mom, I'm coding!
This really leads me to think that maybe I should just give myself over to my work. I should forget the above complaints, buckle down, and become a slave drone for a while. I think I would if this were not so completely fucking antithetical to my Buddha nature. Seriously, I am not a fucking slave drone. I would rather literally suck cocks rather than be a slave drone. Literally suck cocks.
Second, If I don't work, people get on my case. Not my boss or co-worker, but other shits at the place. Sometimes the guy who sits a few seats behind me (who has a good view of my screens, apparently) will say something at lunch. What an ass. Mind your fucking business. In any case, this does provide some minor motivation.
Third, working will give me skills which will be very useful in the future.
Tortured Logic
This is where my logic gets really tortured, the bits I can't figure out (I'm going to hit some deep/subtle points here, so pay attention if you're still following along).
Let's say I was a computer. I don't even know what I mean by this, but go with me here. What's my optimal rational decision? If I just buckled down and got to work, all my feelings of guilt would disappear, I wouldn't even notice the day going by, and I'd gain skills.
But then I remember that I am not a computer. There must be a reason that I am so resistant to working. I'm not deriving the conclusion rationally - what is the compulsion?
My first instinct is to think that I am simply being locally rational [2]. Work is hard and annoying and there is no active component of my office-system which is compelling me to work (e.g. no stick/carrot-bearing boss). But no! I can motivate myself to work in other situations with most of the same properties. I work on my own projects. I'm writing this post.
Maybe it's a combination of the above with the fact that I don't really have an interest in my work. But no! My work is mildly interesting. Rationally, if I worked more, I would be more interested in it.
I have come to the conclusion that it's something much more difficult to put my finger on, much more atmospheric. I think I feel something like good old undefinable "negative energy" when I'm in my office. I hate it there. I feel horrible. I hate the conditions. I resent everything about the situation. The restrictions placed on me are the types of restrictions you put on a child (sit here, be quiet, stay!) so a child I become. I am no longer capable of rational thought. What's worse, rational thoughts that I have when outside the work-disgust-context (e.g. right now) are not applicable to my situation in that context because they are contextually dependent [3]. I can figure shit out now, but it won't make sense to me later.
The End
And when it comes right down to it, when I've followed all of these thought-strings to their logical conclusion-sweater, my internal monologue essentially explodes into a cacophony of expletives. Something along the lines of "fuck this shit fuck it in the ass GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHATEVER FUCK IT FUCK YOU GOD UGH I AM SO LONELY."
In conclusion, I think my real issues lie deeper.
-----
Footnotes:
[1] Has anyone noticed the massive fucking similarities between Microsoft and the catholic church? Miles and miles of doctrine that no one understands or gives a fuck about, tons of orthodoxy that no one really follows, and a big man in a while dressing gown cumming all over everyone's face. Oh you love it, don't you? You love it when I shoot god's load all over your faces? MSDN = the bible. Steve Balmer = Jesus. The Jews (linux) are persecuted, the Muslims (apple) are slaughtered in a holy war, but eventually gain a position of tremendous power. The pieces are all falling into place, now. Clink! Clink! You see, don't you!?!
[2] Local rationality is where you make a set of decisions which make sense on an individual basis but not when stitched together into a larger strategy (see Satan's Paradox in this last post).
[3] Kinda like drunken boxing. I realize that a lot of these are difficult points/points which I don't have much explicit justification for, so if you care enough to inquire, please do! Don't be shy! Please tell me if you dig what I'm spitting, too. I think that everyone wants to be understood, so my own personal confluence of neurosis, physical distance from a comprehensible culture, and worry re: my mental health makes it all the worse. Be kind!
This post is going to be about my working situation in my Japanese IT company and, more specifically, how contorted and twisted my logic has become with respect to my beliefs regarding my performance in that capacity.
Time Time Time
Is it possible that asking me to work for 8 hours will actually yield less benefit/progress total than could otherwise be derived from my labor?
I tend to think so. My work is primarily intellectual - meaning that it does not even involve a task as mundane as typing at a computer. It consists mostly of research, taking notes, and writing documentation. I write extremely quickly, so the time required to actually create (type) the documents pales massively in comparison to the time required to prepare myself mentally to write them.
I Wish
I really do think that I would be more effective if I were asked to work for 5 hours a day. I could come in at 12, eat lunch with the usuals, have a 15 minute meeting with boss & coworkers to orient myself, and blast away for 5 hours - done by 6 Pee-EMM motherfuckers! Seriously, how could I not be motivated with a schedule like that?
The Dirge
Contrast this with my current schedule. I get to work by 10:30, clock in, open my work email/gmail, read news/reddit/ycombinator for 1 hour, at which point my co-worker comes in. We have a 10 minute meeting which ends at like 11:30. I eat lunch at 12, so I can't really justify working in that little 30 minute wedge - I usually just read more news or sit quietly at my desk with my eyes closed. I eat lunch until like 1:30 (I try to draw it out as long as I can because I dread the 6-7 hour crush that follows). At this point, some guilt starts to set in (I've been at work for almost 3 hours and haven't really done anything), so I start working. I start feeling really bad, read reddit, dopamine rush, ahhh. Etc. I do a little work every once in a while, but spend most of my time reading random shit. Usually I decide on a topic of interest - last Friday I studied Jungian/Freudian/Lacanian psychology (I'm very interested in archetype-based theories). Anyway! The point is that I don't really do much work per se.
Motivation and Nonlinear Standards
Motivations AGAINST Work
Now the question is, of course, why do I waste so much time at work? Why can't I just work for 8 hours? Well, this is where shit (meaning my reasoning) starts to get really fucked up.
First of all, I resent the idea that I am required to be at work for 9 hours a day (8 hours + 1 hour for lunch). It's such a pain in the ass. There are so many times where I don't have anything to do, so I just sit around waiting until I reach that nice equilibrium which occurs when my fear (of getting caught leaving early) is annulled by my desire to get the fuck out. Besides this, it's fucking humiliating/dehumanizing/demeaning, really. What am I, a child? I can't take care of my own time? Give me deadlines and standards - I'll take care of my own time thank you very fucking much, mommy.
Second of all, have you ever programmed for 8 hours straight? It's a pain in the ass. I get headaches. The working conditions are such shit (I've talked about this before - the keyboard is stiff, fluorescent lights, too warm, etc.) and I have no one to talk to - nothing but the thrill of thinking about where that unidentifiable hum is coming from to break the tear-jerking monotony. Seriously.
Third, I get no benefit from working harder. My boss is completely oblivious. Sometimes I don't work for 2 days straight - I make microscopic progress - and he doesn't notice. The standards are equivalently unresponsive in the other direction, too; if I work hard, make lots of progress, I get a "good job, thanks for your work." Yippee!
Fourth, I resent the idea of creating software for a multi-national corporation. Anything that I do will be owned by this corporation. Owned by someone other than me. This means that I'm giving money/power to a gross corporate perversion while simultaneously depriving myself of power.
Fifth, I am motivated by guilt in the exact opposite direction that it points. It's weird, but it's true. I don't know if other people are like this. If I feel like I should email you then I will not. If I feel like I should pay my loans then I will not. Usually these sorts of things get taken care of on a last-possible-second basis.
Sixth, the actual content of my work is such fucking shit that it makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm coding a Silverlight 2 app. Note that Silverlight 2 is not fucking documented. Have you ever coded with an undocumented SDK? You get your first vague error and you basically feel like you want to kill someone. Not to mention the fact that this shit was made my Micro-cock-for-brains-soft. Oh, I see, I have to use the Silverlight Project WorkSpace Creation Wizard - if I use the Silverlight Project WebStartup Creation Wizard then it won't be compliant with .NET 3.5 web service bindings. Why? Oh, because the crossdomain.xml file will not be found in the LKDSGASIGF:OIUDSAG:LKHSVDB:KMNGD:LKJ SHUT THE FUCK UP FUCK YOU MICROSOFT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.[1]
Motivations FOR Work
It's weird. I notice that I actually feel a lot better when I accomplish more during the day. When I finally do have some nice, well-defined design/programming work to do, shit I can really sink my teeth into, the day passes in a blur of mental activity. Grief, guilt, headaches - these become mere memories. Look mom, I'm coding!
This really leads me to think that maybe I should just give myself over to my work. I should forget the above complaints, buckle down, and become a slave drone for a while. I think I would if this were not so completely fucking antithetical to my Buddha nature. Seriously, I am not a fucking slave drone. I would rather literally suck cocks rather than be a slave drone. Literally suck cocks.
Second, If I don't work, people get on my case. Not my boss or co-worker, but other shits at the place. Sometimes the guy who sits a few seats behind me (who has a good view of my screens, apparently) will say something at lunch. What an ass. Mind your fucking business. In any case, this does provide some minor motivation.
Third, working will give me skills which will be very useful in the future.
Tortured Logic
This is where my logic gets really tortured, the bits I can't figure out (I'm going to hit some deep/subtle points here, so pay attention if you're still following along).
Let's say I was a computer. I don't even know what I mean by this, but go with me here. What's my optimal rational decision? If I just buckled down and got to work, all my feelings of guilt would disappear, I wouldn't even notice the day going by, and I'd gain skills.
But then I remember that I am not a computer. There must be a reason that I am so resistant to working. I'm not deriving the conclusion rationally - what is the compulsion?
My first instinct is to think that I am simply being locally rational [2]. Work is hard and annoying and there is no active component of my office-system which is compelling me to work (e.g. no stick/carrot-bearing boss). But no! I can motivate myself to work in other situations with most of the same properties. I work on my own projects. I'm writing this post.
Maybe it's a combination of the above with the fact that I don't really have an interest in my work. But no! My work is mildly interesting. Rationally, if I worked more, I would be more interested in it.
I have come to the conclusion that it's something much more difficult to put my finger on, much more atmospheric. I think I feel something like good old undefinable "negative energy" when I'm in my office. I hate it there. I feel horrible. I hate the conditions. I resent everything about the situation. The restrictions placed on me are the types of restrictions you put on a child (sit here, be quiet, stay!) so a child I become. I am no longer capable of rational thought. What's worse, rational thoughts that I have when outside the work-disgust-context (e.g. right now) are not applicable to my situation in that context because they are contextually dependent [3]. I can figure shit out now, but it won't make sense to me later.
The End
And when it comes right down to it, when I've followed all of these thought-strings to their logical conclusion-sweater, my internal monologue essentially explodes into a cacophony of expletives. Something along the lines of "fuck this shit fuck it in the ass GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHATEVER FUCK IT FUCK YOU GOD UGH I AM SO LONELY."
In conclusion, I think my real issues lie deeper.
-----
Footnotes:
[1] Has anyone noticed the massive fucking similarities between Microsoft and the catholic church? Miles and miles of doctrine that no one understands or gives a fuck about, tons of orthodoxy that no one really follows, and a big man in a while dressing gown cumming all over everyone's face. Oh you love it, don't you? You love it when I shoot god's load all over your faces? MSDN = the bible. Steve Balmer = Jesus. The Jews (linux) are persecuted, the Muslims (apple) are slaughtered in a holy war, but eventually gain a position of tremendous power. The pieces are all falling into place, now. Clink! Clink! You see, don't you!?!
[2] Local rationality is where you make a set of decisions which make sense on an individual basis but not when stitched together into a larger strategy (see Satan's Paradox in this last post).
[3] Kinda like drunken boxing. I realize that a lot of these are difficult points/points which I don't have much explicit justification for, so if you care enough to inquire, please do! Don't be shy! Please tell me if you dig what I'm spitting, too. I think that everyone wants to be understood, so my own personal confluence of neurosis, physical distance from a comprehensible culture, and worry re: my mental health makes it all the worse. Be kind!
